when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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