I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
