Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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