I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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