He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
how drunk are you?
Several
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
