I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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