Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
