I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
