you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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