I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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