How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
