WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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