okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
