as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
