Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
