Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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