If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
