The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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