I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
