i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
