I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
