Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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