I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fuck appropriateness.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
