just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize