She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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