I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
