he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
