Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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