I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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