spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
