Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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