MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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