Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
