I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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