Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
