I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have tasted many bathrooms
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
