And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
