i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
