I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We won't sleep together?
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
