I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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