At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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