It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
