there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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