tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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