Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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