M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
