I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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