Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
