Umm I'm too high to move.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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