So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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