Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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