Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
