Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
