Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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