please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
These tits shall not be calmed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
