All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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